Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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