I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
