Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
