Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so let's talk penis.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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