I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize