so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
