OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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