If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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