You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
