He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
