Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
