just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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