It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
