Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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