It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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