im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
