malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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