my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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