My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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