she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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