so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
