You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
