Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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