I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
