did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Randomize
