I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
