i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
