it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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