I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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