Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
