Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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