Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
