Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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