I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
