Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
