I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize