Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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