Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize