My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think my fart just growled at me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
