Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize