just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
