I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
