remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
