I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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