I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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