So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
