We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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