Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
