come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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