My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
