I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
