Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
