I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
