got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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