I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
