i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
