EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
