I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
