While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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